Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Advice From My Faux Uncle

Life is full of steps (high school, college, 20's, mid-life, retirement, etc), and you should not date guys on the next step - they are at a new stage in life. Once a guy hits a step, he only dips down because he is damaged or can't convince women in his own step to date him. This is why its creepy for a college guy to date a high schooler, and why a 30 year old should not be dating a college student. It may sounds condescending to the lower stepper, but it is absolutely true and time-proven through empirical evidence.
http://blog.lib.umn.edu/richlee/Thoughts/woody%20allen.jpg

He makes a fair point, and insists I should date a nice bio major I'd meet in Downstein, but there are no nice bio majors here, no straight ones, at least, and even if there were they'd maintain my interest for approximately three days. This is New York. There are no nice, uncomplicated college boys in New York. There are no uncomplicated people in New York. Every one of us came to New York because we are all fundamentally broken in some profound way and we thought moving to the city would fix us. It actually just made us worse, more depressed and anxious and self-conscious, so we are all fumbling around yes, doing normal things like eating Chinese food and watching the Oscars, but also hurting each other in these irreparable, obscene ways because we are all at our cores atypically flimsy. 21 is really not all that different from 15. So we fuck and fuck up and nothing good comes out of it except a tenous film of warm, glowing memories that sit in the pit of your stomach at 3am when you are reading Philip Levine.

And then there is the cliched, oft-discussed problem of how NYU is 70% girls, and of those 30% boys, the grand majority of them are gay. And so that tiny sliver of straight boys becomes so driven by their own narcissism, so aroused by the concept of themselves and the fact that they can--and usually do--sleep with any straight NYU female they want, regardless of the fact that she is "out of their league" or "fucking bangin'" when indeed they are "just your average joe," gets so frustrating to the female population that we just give up and resign ourselves to a cat-filled existence. We know this. We are reminded of this every day. I'm pretty sure WSN has even written about this but I wonder if it ever gets any less frustrating?

The alternative to this exaggerated strife is that we become determined to explore the city at large, that vast expanse of douche bags and assholes, the sexually stunted and the emotionally bankrupt; and eventually we end up settling, because what young woman hasn't settled at one point in her life? And we finally relax into our paralyzing masochism, dating guys too old or too mean or too drunk for us, and convincing ourselves that we are happy, we are so happy to not be alone that it doesn't matter that he'd rather make you cry than make you cum. It doesn't matter because girl, you are in love.

...or is that just me?

-Jess

15 comments:

David Hodges said...

i think your post is spot-on. i went to school at carolina and it was 2:1 girls to guys, and everyone blamed all relationship problems on "the ratio." the romantic equivalent of el nino. nice guys get equally screwed by this system because all girls think we're the asshole narcissists you mentioneod trying to bang girls from every league, which simply isn't true.

Jess and Josh said...

sadly i'm not sure it's even totally that we think nice guys are chasing girls out of their league; i think it's also that a lot of girls don't like nice guys. i have been making a recent effort to change that and failing miserably. i don't know if it's the fact that society has trained us to be painfully self-aware since birth and this has made us masochists, or if we just addicted to The Game. i obviously can't speak for all women, though. maybe i'm just the fucked up one.

David Hodges said...

step one to recovery is admitting you don't like nice guys =) there's a reason though, like you said, "they'd maintain my interest for approximately three days." nice guys are typically boring as hell. it's the assholes who are interesting. i think you might be onto something with the masochists. getting treated like shit leads to pain, and pain makes life immediate and needing-to-be-dealt-with in an oddly emo way. i also hear you on being addicted to the game. i think eventually we all get older though and are too tired to play anymore. loneliness factors in, then we just settle down with whatever flavor of the month it is and put a ring on it.

Jess and Josh said...

that's probably the most depressing yet honest thing i've ever read. and yes you're quite right about the boring factor. i need someone to keep me on my toes. i'm afraid of being the flavor of the week the guy settles down with =/

David Hodges said...

then don't settle. there's not a rule that says you have to, it's just the path of least resistance.

ps i really like yall's blog. i think josh talks too much about pot, but whatevs. im gonna add you guys to my blogroll (this word always makes me think of ovens -- and of baking things).

Vanessa said...

1. LOL @ "i think josh talks too much about pot." Sorry Josh, but I really did LOL at that.

2. Jess, this post was like reading my brain. Why oh why oh why. We can just discuss this on IM or IN PERSON THIS SUMMER YAY THANK GOD but like seriously, wtf is wrong with me/you/us/women/love/the world? I think it's what you say in the last paragraph: fear of being alone. Anything's better than that, right? Wrong. But tell that to my psyche.

(I also love when you call out New Yorkers for moving here in an attempt to "fix" ourselves but then call out New York for making us worse. All true. You're a genius, is what I'm trying to say, duh.)

Samantha said...

so fucking spot on sadly, I could have written this post myself.

Susie said...

its amazing how when everything gets figured out, you'll look back on this time of discovery fondly. Enjoy you're early 20s, I'm not saying I'd like to go back there anytime soon BUT most of my favorite memories are from that period of my life.

i love the blog and think your faux uncle is a douche ;-)

Kate said...

It's like that at Northwestern, too. It's really rare to find a straight, nice boy who is willing to forego all the other pussy he could get from being half-way decent looking in favor of a relationship.

Jess and Josh said...

Ha, Northwestern was my top-choice school. That rejected me. Guess things wouldn't have been TOO different there.

And David: "Baking things" reminds me of pot. Which I talk about too much. I'm sorry, David, that I talk about weed all the time. David what can I do to make it up to you
-Josh

David Hodges said...

i dont know. write something interesting about pot? like how pot + alcohol + adderall + xanax means we never have to feel anything we don't want to. we don't need government to issue us soma; we do it to ourselves.

Jess and Josh said...

we don't want to feel. that's the point. that's why we live in new york. we never want to feel again. now pass the bong.

-jess

Emma said...

DUDE. just started reading your blog and already you're reading my mind.

LOLSAM said...

Goddamn you. FML. So true.

Comfortably Smug said...

I think you should give the emotionally bankrupt douche bags a chance. What's the alternative? Some pansy tool from NYU?