Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Things I Hate

These are some things I hate that have been bugging me lately:

1. People who tell you all about their day but then don't ask you about yours. It's called politeness, chief, and I'm sure the kids in your class are annoying and this is worthy of a twenty-minute verbal dissection but really? It wouldn't kill you to return the favor and let me gripe a little. This is especially annoying when someone who has complained about this in the past does it to you.

2. Selfish people. In this instance, "selfish" means "I'm visiting our friend in Pennsylvania and nobody is allowed to come with me." I'm pretty sure you're not King of the Megabus and you can't make this stipulation, but I'm equally sure you're acting like King of the Douches. Well done.

3. People who don't stand up to said selfish people, such as our Pennsylvania friend, who is seemingly willing to let her douchey friends walk all over her. Grow a spine, lady! You deserve better than a lot of the crap you put up with.

4. People whose umbrellas don't fold in on themselves in the wind. How do you do it? Where did you buy your umbrella, and why won't you tell me?

5. People who don't let you bring friends to house parties. Like, really? You've been to my parties and brought your entire fucking crew, so stop being a hypocrite. You live in a graffiti-covered apartment in Brooklyn, not Beatrice.

6. When Borders suddenly decides that it does in fact have some of your books and proceeds to send them to you, even though you just went out and paid too much for them at the bookstore. So you've effectively bought the books twice, and they're not even for a class you're extremely interested in.

7. People in your recitation who get annoyed that there's no Gertrude Stein on the syllabus and introduce themselves to the class as such. Shut up, I already hate you.

8. When you can't walk two fucking blocks without slipping on the ice.

9. When you get tongue-tied as you introduce yourself to your recitation, and now everyone thinks you're an idiot.

10. Recitation in general. If you're comfortable with the material, it shouldn't be mandatory. If I need help, I won't hesitate in getting it, but we've read one short story and one half of a novel. There's no reason to talk about it for seventy-five minutes.

And you know what? When it's freezing and sleeting outside and your brain feels like it's trying to punch its way through your skull and you haven't had enough coffee and you've just generally been kind of blah lately because, you know, it's gray and January and you're single and jobless and probably disposed toward melancholia--well, these ten things that aren't big deals on their own can approach tragic proportions, and you really just want someone to give you a mug of hot chocolate and kiss you good-night. But who has time for that?

-Josh

P.S. This is the saddest news story I've read in a long time. Oh my God. I feel like crying.

Jess says: Can I add on to this? Fuck it I'm doing it.

1. When I have to be at work before the streets are plowed/sidewalks are shoveled and so I get splattered with disgusting slush by a city bus three seconds after leaving my apartment building.

2. When I finally get home after an exhausting day and they are doing construction on the apartment upstairs, making my much-needed and deserved nap completely impossible.

3. When there is a fire in you classroom building 15 minutes before your 2pm class -- those 15 precious minutes when you skim the readings you didn't do -- and then everyone's allowed right back in at 2pm on the dot, but the professor doesn't show up until 2:30. With a cup of coffee in her hand.

4. The line at the bookstore. Seriously? Seriously. We've had a week of classes, why must it still wrap all the way into the Teen Fiction section?

5. Homework. Fuck this. I'm smoking.

1 comment:

Jess and Josh said...

A-FUCKING-MEN.

come over tonight and i will make you hot chocolate and give you a good night kiss.