Saturday, January 3, 2009

Punch Me In The Ovaries, Please

I have always hated kids. They are loud and whiny and I do not know how to interact with them: I end up speaking to them like they are adults, they get bored with me very quickly and we both move on. But for some reason these past few weeks I have had this desire to pop out a goddamn CHILD.

It is completely impractical, unfeasible, ridiculous for me to feel that way at 20 years old, a woman like me who is such a feminist, so ambivalent about monogamy, so pro-sex and experimental. I used to not even believe in marriage. Now I know that it is not something meant to last forever, at least not for a girl like me, but I know that I want to get married, and have babies, and have a house where everything is happy and nice and warm. I would be a fool to think things would stay that way but it would be nice while it lasted. And then the kids would grow up and my husband and I would move on to other lovers and we could look back and sigh and say, "Wasn't it lovely?"

It's not even about vanity, in fact the world would probably be a worse place with half-Jessicas running around, but when babies smile my heart fucking explodes and I want one to smile at me and god I hate that when it comes down to it we are all just biology, atoms and neurons, chemicals and hormones. I will not have kids, or even consider marriage, for at least another 10 years, but why does my body make me feel as if I should? I'm fucking 20 and a bunch of people I know from high school are MARRIED already. Why, at 20, am I already paranoid of being alone? I look down at my naked left ring finger and this feeling of panic overtakes me. What the hell is that about? Half society, half biology perhaps but it's not me AT ALL. Ask any of my friends. Am I this powerless in the face of group mentality? God forbid I'm ever invited to hoard weapons to fend against the end of the world in an underground shelter in Montana, I'd apparently be there in a second. And I know I have always been too old for my age but wouldn't it be nice instead of getting high and watching Family Guy tonight to put the kids to bed early and watch a movie with your husband and then have sex that is still good and not yet mechanical? Do you think I could find something like that on Craigslist? Oh, heh, I guess it's called "babysitting and letting the kids' Dad feel you up in the family room." =/

-Jess

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