Thursday, January 15, 2009

Natalie Dylan's Virginity is Like Toast with the Crust Cut Off

Remember Natalie Dylan, the 22-year-old girl from San Diego who is selling her virginity to the highest bidder at an auction regulated by hilariously-named brothel The Moonlite Bunny Ranch? Well Fox News just caught wind of the story and wrote a whole thing about it, and the author of the piece can't even keep his indignation contained for a few measly paragraphs.

The lede is righteous enough: "A 22-year-old woman is selling her virginity online — offering her body to bidders nationwide in an auction that reportedly has netted a $3.7 million offer — and the law isn't doing a thing to stop her." Like, is Joseph Abrams trying to sound like a harried neighborhood gosisp? Because that's what he sounds like: a harried neighborhood gossip. Who voted for John McCain.

Abrams goes on: "The FBI isn't interested. The U.S. attorney doesn't care. Everything is fine by local police, and she isn't breaking any laws." I don't think he got local enough. How does the postman feel about it? What about the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker? I know, before we actually get any information from the brothel hosting the auction, let's get a few choice quotes from a conservative blowhard! Okay.

"Nevada has been out of step with the rest of the country for many years with regards to prostitution, and that's why I think it's important for federal prosecutors to look into this, so that Nevada does not dictate the morals and moral decency for the rest of the nation," says Matthew Staver, director of the Liberty Center for Pretentious Umbrage. No, Matthew, Nevada should not dictate our country's morals. You should. Stupid Nevada and its prostitution and its gambling and its...um...Siegfried and Roy.

And just how much is Dylan selling her virginity for, anyway? Try $3.7 million. Joseph Abrams knows that's a lot of money; he calls it "a price far above rubies." Emeralds? Don't push it. But definitely way more than rubies.

Abrams then calls the Web site "needlessly repetitive"--generally not a good idea to insult the source from which you're trying to get information, pal--and finally quotes some lawyer who says that the online auction "is as legal as toast with the crust cut off where she is." Virginity is more precious than rubies but also comparable to breakfast food.

Thank you Fox News for another fair and balanced report.

-Josh

2 comments:

Jess and Josh said...

i laughed so hard at this. it was almost written like a family guy script.

-jess

Helen said...

It's ahrd to sound irate about something that'll happen at the "Moonlite Bunny Ranch" so I guess it's ten points for trying?