Thursday, December 11, 2008

Things To Get Your Drug Dealer For the Holidays

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Let’s face it: your drug dealer has done a lot for you this year. He has seen you through family gatherings and finals time and breakups. He has helped you sooth the pain of the fact that your family may or may not have to take you out of NYU due to the current economic crisis and put you into community college with 50 of the 100 douchebags you went to high school with. He has made awkward social gatherings a little bit more tolerable. And he has done this with a smile. Gosh, that guy is always smiling! Whether you meet him in the lobby of your dorm or if he’s nice enough to come up to your apartment and do business with you from your living room couch, he is the sturdy ocean rock in this tenuous world full of constant sea change.

How do you thank a guy like that? I mean, seriously, he deserves a better present than all of your family members combined. Below are some suggested gifts for your dealer.

1. Smoke Him Out
It’s kind of common courtesy anyway, especially if you use him frequently, to allow him to test out the product with you. Why not make an evening of it? Next time you order from your delivery service, have him come up and rip a few hits with you, eat some Pringles and watch Family Guy. This will also be a “pay it forward” kind of deal as he will most likely make service to your place quicker and more convenient.

2. Bake Him a Cake
Stoners love cake! And your dealer will too. Next time he comes over to drop off a quarter have a beautiful sheet cake waiting with friendly secular holiday phrases drizzled on it in multicolored frostings. What pothead wouldn’t love something like that?

3. A Metrocard
Sometimes he has to travel kind of far to get to your place, like, say from the Lower East Side to Union Square. It’s cold right now. You should buy him a Metrocard with a bunch of rides on it so that he’s more willing to come to your place. No one should have to freeze this holiday season while walking up The Bowery, especially not the bearer of so much of your joy.

4. Various Drug Dealer Equipment
Scales! Grinders! Plastic baggies! Dealers can never have too much of these things, and I’m sure you could find them at some store in the East Village. Other suggestions: a beeper, a cell phone with a strange answering machine service, the deed to a cover business.

5. Contacts
More clients! Do your dealer a favor and get some of your more discreet pothead friends to switch from their current guy who never calls them back and always sells shit with too many stems and seeds. Your dealer will appreciate the business and then you will not have to continue to smoke your friends’ shitty schwag.

What are you getting your dealer for the holidays?

-Jess

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