I wrote this last night and then I did not go to sleep for the entire night. Not even one of those prototypical Sunday sleeplessness experiences where you feel like you did not sleep even though you did, but whereupon I actually did not ever fall asleep and spent six hours staring at the wall and listening to white noise:
I’m having one of those incredibly ironic panic attacks where I need my Xanax really badly but my panicking was actually spurred on by the fact that I somehow lost my Xanax. I think I accidentally left it in the pocket of the chair in front of me on the plane home from Prague. I was so sure I had stowed it away safely in my purse just before getting off the plane but I cannot find it on my desk or in my piles of clothes or in my suitcase. It is definitely lost and the fact that I can’t freak out because I do not have a medical safety net is causing me to motherfucking freak out.
I couldn’t fall asleep earlier tonight because I was thinking about my flight home on Sunday and how scared I am to spend 8 hours suspended mid-air above the Atlantic Ocean. Then my brain wouldn’t turn off so I went searching for my Xanax and thus realized I could not find it. I could not be more serious when saying this: I need my fucking meds to fly. I am fundamentally immune to Tylenol PM and Nyquil because I’ve basically been taking them at least once a week since I was 12. There is nothing in the store strong enough to quell my anxiety the second that plane starts down the runway. I usually take two Xanax and drink a glass of wine and I’m still crying and perpetually on the verge of a full-blown hyperventilation and limited circulation panic attack. Oh! Kind of like now!
I will have to call the French doctor and see if he can somehow prescribe me a controlled substance just because I asked for it. In American-accented French. On the phone. Or I will have to find some way to get my parents to send me a controlled substance through the incredibly slow and unreliable international mail and have it magically on my doorstep by Sunday morning. Or I will be prostituting myself so I can raise money to book a ticket on a transatlantic ship, in which case haha jk about that New York New Years party see you guys in February.