Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Change--and Warmth!--We've All Been Waiting For

GUYS. Change is coming to America. We face a brighter future and a new dawn. You too can be part of the revolution; all you have to do is call a toll-free number and ask about your Snuggie today!

The Snuggie (I have just linked to what is apparently the horse variety) is a blanket with sleeves. That's...that's it. It's essentially a glorified robe. But oh, how glorified it is. Let's watch the commercial together, shall we?

We start off with some rhyming couplets, an infomercial standby.

You want to keep warm when you're feeling chilled,
But you don't want to raise your heating bill!
Blankets are okay, but they can slip and slide,
And when you need to reach for something, your hands are trapped inside.
Well, there you go. That's pretty much the whole sell right there. I appreciate their efforts to stay relevant; we're in a recession, which may make it more difficult to pay for things like your heating bill, so you should spend twenty dollars on a blanket with sleeves. I don't know; so far, I'm not convinced. Let's see what else the Snuggie has to offer.

Our lady narrator (narratrix?) goes on to tell me about all the things I can do with a Snuggie: use my laptop! Call someone on my cordless phone! Knit! Or, if you're John McCain, enjoy a bowl of popcorn! And I can do all this without exposing my delicate forearms! Sure, you could do all these things with a blanket and a sweater (like I am right now!), but that's not the point. This is the Snuggie, ladies and gentlemen, and...

...I have always wanted to look like a gay friar.

Then we learn that with the Snuggie, we'll have "no more cold feet," which is what I thought socks were for but gosh darn it I guess I was wrong, and we can comfortably move around the house without abandoning the Snuggie's fleecy goodness. Well, my God. But what I have to leave my house to, say, watch my son's softball game?

NO PROBLEM!!! I can take Snuggie anywhere. My guess is that somewhere on the screen right now, a microscopic disclaimer warms customers about "looking like a tool" and "alienating your friends," but hey, at least my arms will be warm. They'll be warm because of Snuggie. And if you're in college and think you're too cool for the Snugz, know that it's perfect for "those drafty dorm rooms" as well.

The fine people at Snuggie want you to be as comfortable and hermetic as possible, however, which is why they're not just offering you a blanket. No, no, they will give you--free of charge--a "press-and-open booklight!" No more struggling with those cumbersome normal booklights. Just press a button, and voilĂ ! Thanks, Snuggie! (But the joke's really on them--no one reads books anymore. What are they, dumb or something?)

So that's the Snuggie. Wow. It even comes in three fun colors! I don't want to hear you complaining about your drafty dorm rooms anymore, Target Demographic Of This Blog. Because the solution is here. The change is now. The Snuggie is $14.95. (Plus shipping and handling.)



Samantha said...

ok, can i just say...you totally ripped off this blog post from best week ever. But i still laughed while reading this. a lot actually,


Jess and Josh said...

I actually have never seen that (and I read their site sometimes), but I will say that after posting I did a little Googling and saw that a few other blogs had written about the damn blanket back in September. Better late than never, right?

Montgomery Maxton said...

how have i gone without this in my 28 years of life

Helen said...

Was it invented by the same people who created Crocs? I spend a few months a year living outside a town populated by people who wear crocs, short-shorts and either mullets (men) or Diana-Ross-style perms (women). I bet they would totally be wearing those if I went back in winter!