Friday, October 10, 2008

Trust

Today I'm getting coffee with someone I haven't spoken to in months. The reason we haven't spoken isn't just a mutual drifting apart; no, he stopped talking to me. Completely. He shut me out of his life and bitched about me to his friends. A few days ago, he sent me a letter, basically apologizing and extending the olive branch. I suggested that we meet in person.

So that's what we're going to do--5:30 at some coffee shop in the East Village. This whole thing feels like meeting an ex after a bitter breakup, and despite the fact that he's straight, I'm almost positive he feels the same way.

The problem isn't so much meeting him--it'll be awkward, yes, but we'll get past that--as it is me not knowing what my expectations are. I don't know how close of friends we'll be again, how much we're supposed to say on our coffee date (of sorts), how nice I should be, because this is how I live my life, as though I am meeting a series of expectations, and everything I do becomes a should as opposed to a want to. I take a while to learn to trust someone, and when he (or she, but in this case he) breaks that trust, the damage is almost irreversible. I want to be friends with him again, but I can't make my psyche get over what happened, and I don't know how to balance those two emotions.

And yes, this is a big deal to me. He was one of my best friends last year, and I miss him a lot, and we have a lot of common friends so we've often seen--and pretended to ignore--each other. The whole thing escalated, as these things typically do, and became stupid and enormous and a fact of life in our circle of friends, and while I'm happy he reached out to me, I also kind of want to know his motives for doing so. I want to know why he cut me out of his life, what I could have done that was so awful that he no longer wanted anything to do with me. I want to just sit down with him and talk, the way we used to, but I have so many questions that probably don't have easy answers.

Blah. I know most of you couldn't care less about this, but after all, this is a personal blog, so there ya go. I guess I'm just confused as to how you can talk to someone while sort of despising him at the same time. Or do you just give it up on the first date and welcome him back?

-Josh

2 comments:

`nk said...

I hope it went well. I was (and still am, i guess) in a similar situation. I don't know what i'd do if my ex-friend ever chooses to contact me, but i'm glad you're giving your friend a second chance.

megisonyeauu said...

i had a similar situation last summer. my friend and i both knew things had gotten bad. i actually had to write her a letter because i didn't think i could properly articulate how upset i was. after, we met in person and really talked it over, completely honest. i gave it a few weeks to see if things really changed, if she had changed towards me and really made an effort. she did and it did. i hope things went well, giving things time helps a lot, good luck!