Thursday, July 24, 2008
We, the people of Russia, hereby submit the below articles for passage in the Russian Parliament to curtail the transmission of the eyeliner-laden disease known as Emo:
Article 1.A - All persons caught with Fall Out Boy or My Chemical Romance on their iPod are subject to criminal prosecution in the form of:
1. The forced listening of Britney Spears' Greatest Hits
2. Forced smiling for up to two (2) hours
Article 2.A - All persons caught crying with black eyeliner streaking their pale, pockmarked cheeks shall be pointed at, laughed at, and subsequently imprisoned in their Grandmother's home while she plays Chopin, changes the linens and cooks borscht.
Article 3.A- All persons wearing Nightmare Before Christmas hoodies, UFO pants, or shoelaces shall be condemned to one (1) forfeited Warped Tour ticket and an hour in the nearest Old Navy.
It is with these actions we hope to minimize the spread of the vicious Emo disease that seeks to strike introspective narcissism and sadness into the hearts of all young children who would otherwise be goldenly overjoyed at the opportunity to live in a country where the average temperature hovers around 20 degrees Fahrenheit.