Thursday, July 10, 2008
Sorry for the delay. This week has been the absolute worst in terms of me doing anything productive. You'd think I'd have gotten adjusted to getting up early three days a week, but nope, still can't get myself to go to bed early. And I wonder why I'm always exhausted.
Anyway, here ya go, three more songs to make your friends hate you:
1. K-Ci and Jojo, "All My Life." So I just randomly started singing this (to, um, myself) at work today, and I suddenly remembered this song and how much I loved it. From the junior-prom-slow-dance piano intro to the Catchiest Chorus Ever Written, this song is the musical embodiment of every awkward tongue-kiss you gave or received between the grades of six and nine.
There's this whole desperate undertone in the lyrics, like they're all "Yes I pray that you do love me too" and I wonder what would happen if no, she doesn't love K-Ci and Jojo too, and then I start imagining a My-Chemical-Romance-esque emo-balla where theyre like "All my life I wasted my time on you" or something equally cheesy. It's kind of haunting, especially when the vocals inexplicably fade out and all you can hear in your headphones is the sound of these pleading R&B singers praying for you or something. But let's focus on the positive, shall we?
The strings are gorgeous, admit it, and as I said before, the chorus is absolutely touching--and damn catchy, to boot. This is one of the songs you listen to once and then want to hear five more times.
And that piano intro! My god, it's so junior prom! Like I don't know how else to explain it. The only other time I expect to hear it is on Top 40 radio while I'm driving on the freeway at three in the morning, designated-driving my drunk friends and hoping--praying-- that they appreciate the ridiculousness of the moment too.
2. Avril Lavigne, "Sk8er Boi." So Avril Lavigne clearly had issues growing up. She was, like, a sk8r gurrrl, and all of the other kids stuck up their noses at her, and now she's, like, rocking up MTV, and all those skinny blonde bitches who made fun of her in high school are gonna be sorry.
See, Avril, here's the thing. I'm on to your game. You were super popular in high school, weren't you? You were a teen scene queen and you had a lot of friends, and you were always destined to be a star. (Christ, you sang with Shania Twain, who probably deserves her own Guilty Pleasures column, but that's another story.) But you didn't quite have the voice for pop, did you? So you needed to find an alternative route. So you flirted with guys with guitars and cast yourself as a punk princess, seeing the potential to make millions off accessible pop-rock. And your business savvy is to be commended, Avril. But it's the way you spell the word "boy" in the title of this song that gives it away. You're trying. You're trying so hard. You're succeeding as well, but girl, you have had to put in a lot of effort to achieve your Delia*s-meets-Converse look. And for someone who's only twenty-four, and therefore pretty much in my generation, give or take a couple of years, you are so wildly out of touch with people my age that you believe we'll think you're just like us if you use Internet-slang like "boi." Which nobody ever used, ever, because it's no shorter than the real word and just reeks of I-just-got-instant-messenger-and-my-screen-name-has-the-word-baby-in-it-three-times. So keep doing your think, "Sk8r gurrrl." We'll all be listening. Because I hate to say it, but I think you won.
3. Los Del Rio, the fucking Macarena. Okay, strip away the shame and stigma associated with this song. Forget the Bar Mitzvahs and Yankee games. Forget everything you thought you knew about this song and listen to it as though it were your first time. You'll realize something rather astounding: this is a really good dance song.
Like, the beat is solid, that vaguely Latin synth line is damn catchy, and the lyrics, though in Spanish, manage to be catchy anyway--everyone you know has their own version of what the words to this song are.
And yes, this song sparked a wild dance craze, but I think the reason it first achieved fame is because Those Of the River know how to write a decent pop song. The version you and I know and, yes, love was remixed by the Bayside Boys, which is where those two-timing ladies come in. They're talking about blatantly cheating on their boyfriends because, well, "His two friends were sooo fine." This song is dirty! Not only is it a good dance song, but it's a naughty dance song. No wonder it became a hit.
What I'm saying is, sometimes you just have to get over yourself and accept that there are some forces in this universe you can't control. And one of those forces is the Macarena. Now, since this is the first time you've heard this song, allow me to teach you the dance. First, put your hands out like this...