Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Places Not to Hit on Me

Hi, my name is Jessica, and I'm a creep magnet. I have blonde hair and an affection for short dresses which automatically makes me a target for every mustached, construction working guido with a penchant for sexual harassment. Once I tried to count the amount of times I got hit on in one day and I lost count. Don't get me wrong, I'm not foolish enough to think this has anything to do with my looks. I honestly believe it is simply that I am young and blonde and walking down the street in New York. I'm sure you fellow New Yorker girls can attest.

The trouble is that people hit on me in the most god-awful places. I could handle it if it were in a Starbucks or while browsing the new non-fiction section at the library or even in the produce aisle at Whole Foods. But the places below, no matter how swank and suave and sexy you are, warrant an automatic NO to the question, "Yo mami, let me take you out?"

1. The Gym

I am not a cute runner. I am an intense-I-will-make-it-to-this-next-mile-if-it-kills-me runner. I spill water on my shirt when I try to drink from my (stolen) NYU water bottle. My face and chest get really red like I'm having an allergic reaction. I glisten. It's not even that I know I don't look sexy - because I actually have respect for men who deign to hit on me when I'm not looking my best - but I don't feel sexy in the slightest. And so the thought of having to sit through a mind-numbing two hours of drinks with you while you subtly look at my tits and fantasize about fucking me behind the bar is absolutely horrifying.

2. The Elevator at Work

Hello, older alumni gentleman looking to obtain an Alumni Card. My, what bushy eyebrows you have. Would I like to have drinks with you later this evening, despite the obvious 30 year age gap? I'm going to have to respond with a NO. And boy are you going to be embarrassed when you realized that I'm the person who makes your fucking Alumni Card which means you will have to sit in shamed silence while I scurry from computer-to-printer-and-back making up an ID you will flash a total of two times in your entire life.

3. The Subway Platform While My Train Swiftly Approaches

I know my ass looks mighty fine as I'm boarding the 6 train, but did you really think something real was going to come of you shouting, "You're so beautiful! Go out with me!" as the doors slam in your face? I mean, if you were really dedicated, you'd think you'd at least get on the train. A+ if it was the wrong train, I mean, I'd feel obligated to date you just because effort like that should not go unnoticed. But if you're going to simply shout things like "Blondie!" or "Gorgeous!" while I stare bewildered up from some shitty book I borrowed from the NY Public Library because I'm too poor to buy my own books, then, well, I guess we both deserve to be alone, buddy.



Nina said...

oh, i can definitely attest. i could wear a paper bag over my head...just as long as i'm wearing shorts and heels, i'll get several "hey mami"s or "hey sexy [mumblemumblecreepymumble]"s

Will said...

probably not the most opportune places as they're usually socially awkward places to engage anyone...
perhaps if these men had the social grace of being aware of the gravity of the situation and taking it into consideration.. but yeah.. elevators and public transit stops.. not the most conducive. But yeah, most socially awkward is probably the elevator...

But does that make any other place fair game?

Oh hey, I forget to mention that you're pretty cute... what's your email address? Actually what's your number...?


- Will ;)

Jess and Josh said...

Not afraid to be servicey!