Tuesday, June 24, 2008

It's About Time for Another Panic Attack

I just overheard my boss trying to set his 25 year old "nice, down-to-earth Jewish daughter -- who is NOT a JAP!" up with some guy who is "not too short or bald, right?" And it scared the shit out of me because 25 is not old, in fact, it's only 5 years older than me. But by that age you're supposed to have a secure job and apartment and maybe even relationship and I can't even get my head on straight let alone imagine settling down with someone in the next five years. I mean, honestly, I'm kind of in this fucked up headspace about men right now where I want to be near them but I don't want to be near them, if that makes any sense. I see some guys with sad eyes on the subway and I have this uncontrollable urge to hug them, but the thought of having to go through the motions to date someone - texting instead of calling because I'm so awkward on the phone, trying to make time to see each other, those first few fumbling sexual encounters: I can't even stomach that right now. I don't want to. A friend and I decided that all we really want is someone who will be there when we get home from work to have amazing sex with and then snuggle with and then make them leave so we can sleep in our own tiny twin beds comfortably. I want intimacy without any risk of developing feelings for each other. Basically I want the kind of relationship I have with my gay guy friends except I want really incredible sex, but I want them to initiate it, because recently I've been so frazzled about everything that I've left my vibrator battery-less for days, which is just SO UNLIKE ME. I will probably just wait it out until I go home to Philly in August where I can hook up with my hot ex-boyfriend from middle school while we pretend to watch TV because my Dad is upstairs sleeping kthxbye.



Vanessa said...

oh my god don't even talk to me about those anxiety attacks. the "why does everyone act like all is lost if i'm not married off by 23 but i don't even have a single boy i want to CALL right now let alone fuck so wtf am i supposed to do that will change this situation in the next three years" anxiety attacks. love 'em.

but seriously, don't freak out. i try to convince myself that getting married at 25 sounds so lame--who wants to only be allowed casual flings for 1/4 of your life?!? and ex-boyfriends from middle school? 100% the way to go when hanging out in your home town :)

Matt said...

agreed. settling down before 30 is for christians