Wednesday, June 11, 2008


Josh asked quite a thought-provoking question during our midafternoon cigarette break today. "What," he said, "will the babies of stars be like when they grow up?" "It's going to be madness," I responded, "and I will love and cherish every moment of it."

Then I got the idea to extrapolate what I believe babies of famous parents (ergo they have already achieved relative fame of their own simply by chance of owning the blood that flows through them) will be like when they grow up by comparing them to already existing celebrities. Genius, right?

Parents: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
Baby: Sean Preston Federline
His parents basically invented white trash, so S.P. will have to carry that burden with him for the rest of his life. How will he do it? By chugging 40's of Hurricane while driving his overpriced SUV down the 101 and getting pulled over for cheap drug possession. Okay, sure, but what current "celebrity" will he turn out like?

Aaron Carter, of course! Arrested on drug charges and about to appear on the newest season of Celebrity Rehab, Carter is the archetype for grown up Sean Preston.
Parents: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
Baby: Shiloh Jolie-Pitt

Shiloh is what? 2 years old? And I'm already jealous of her. She has Pitt's toehead and Jolie's lips and she's basically going to grow up to be the most gorgeous person to ever walk the planet. She will become the leader of the free world simply by batting her eyelashes and tossing her golden mane. Though there's no one that can honestly compare to her...

Amanda Hearst. She's blonde and gorgeous with billionaire parents, and she stays pretty well out of the limelight. While she doesn't necessarily have the star power akin to Shiloh, they both share famous last names, and I think after growing up so much in the spotlight Shiloh will probably want to opt out of celebrity, a la the Olsens.

Parents: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise
Baby: Suri Cruise

Suri Cruise was dealt a shitty hand when it comes to fathers (read: Tom Cruise is craaaazy!), but if she can escape the grip of Scientology, hopefully she can turn out pretty normal. Hopefully she'll also adopt Katie Holmes' graceful, subtle appearance. She also seems to be kind of a firecracker so...
She could end up being like Sofia Coppola. Brunette, serious, beautiful, with famous parents, who serves both as a creative genius and a muse.

Okay - so who else?


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