Friday, May 2, 2008

What's so wrong with a little self-loathing?

Today on the treadmill next to me there was this wisp of a blonde running 8.0 for the entire 30 minutes I was there. She didn't dismount until after I had done my post-run stretching/crunches regiment. The amount of self-pity that succumbed me reached almost-suicide levels. But then I started thinking: what's so wrong with a little self-loathing?

I bitch a lot about ladymags and how they are always coming up with new deficiencies for women to fret about. But maybe having something to fret over isn't necessarily a bad thing. Pure arrogance is just as unattractive as pure insecurity. A grain of self-loathing can help you run an extra mile at the gym or study a little bit harder for your next final or make you write 10 blogs a day instead of 5. A grain of self-loathing can help you achieve all that shit you want to but didn't have the energy to when you were feeling all happy about yourself.

But I guess the problem is that, if you feel happy with yourself, you probably don't have goals that are as important as that anyway. So what if you get a well-paying job, all that matters is that you're happy, right?

Wrong. Happiness, positivity, fulfillment: TRANSIENT, BITCHEZ. And bound to come a lot faster if you set goals and then meet them-- which is where self-loathing comes in.

Of course self-loathing can reach toxic levels. I'm not advocating hating yourself. This isn't 9th grade gym class. But having the self-awareness to realize there are things about yourself that you should change, and can change, is much better than perpetually thinking you're The Shit.

I'm the Queen of A Little Bit of Self-Loathing. When it comes down to it, I totally love myself. But there are things that need tweaking, which is why I stared at said wispy blonde the entire time I was sprinting today. So, um, just don't let self-loathing turn into a restraining order, heh.

-Jess

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