Thursday, May 1, 2008

Top 5 Celebrity Headlines I Don't Give a Shit About

The Lauren Conrad Sex Tape
My personal feeling is that such a tape did exist only to be destroyed a few months later. I’m sure it showed Lauren looking unimpressed while Jason fucked her in the traditionally boring missionary position. She reserves her O Faces solely for reactions to gossip. The thing about this tape is that I really couldn’t care less. Heidi and Spencer keep announcing it’s true, but they can’t prove it. They’re just giving Lauren license to continue acting like a victim. Get over it. It’s not even a celebrity sex tape I could get off to, or would want to for that matter. Ew Jason Wahler!

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon Getting Married
Oh look! A D list celebrity who I swear to god was only 16 and a music mogul who the public strangely and generously forgave for going crazy on TRL got hitched! And she’s wearing a hand-me-down ring! They will be divorced in two weeks. Moving on.

Disney is Hypocritical
Okay is this really anything new? Disney has always been embroiled in controversy. The Mickey Mouse Club gave us some of the most sultry sluts of our time. And does the name Vanessa Hudgens ring a bell? Miley Cyrus may only be 15, but the idea that Disney’s subtle compliance in marketing teens as sex objects is nothing original.

Barbara Walters Had an Affair with a Congressman During the 70s
First of all, I don’t want to think about Babs in a sexual context EVER. Hopefully this was before her face became so inflated with botox that she’d never successfully pull off a good blowjob. Second of all, this shit was 30 YEARS AGO. Why bring it up now? Does it really count as news if it it couldn’t have been blogged about at the time it happened?

The Rachel Zoe/Anna Wintour Fight
Actually, I like this one. It’s arguably the most awesome fight ever, except for the one where Lindsay Lohan screamed “Get your 15 year old ‘Full House’ ass away from my girlfriend!” at Ashley Olsen when she acknowledged Sam Ronson. Zoe and Wintour should have an anorexia off, where they see who can go the longest without eating. First one to the finish line dies of malnourishment and heart failure!

-Jess

No comments: