Thursday, April 17, 2008

The people you don't want to (but will) see at the gym

The gym is a breeding ground for insecurity. It's essentially a bunch of people putting their bodies to the limit to show off for other people doing the exact same thing. If you can't run longer than the girl next to you, you're probably a fat out of shape loser. But there are always those types of people who frequent the gym far too often. I see them every single time I go. They are as follows:

1. The Anorexic: There are so many girls at the gym these days who really shouldn't be at the gym. They run with towels around their necks and sometimes anchor themselves to the treadmill with their arms lest they let go and pass out. They watch America's Next Top Model on the TVs while they run as thinspiration. They stay on the treadmill for three times as long as you're supposed to, and they run at a ridiculous speed the entire time. Their collarbones stick out of their chests and even though they are drenched in sweat they're still wearing sweatshirts and baggy pants. They're there every day at lunch time, and sometimes after dinner, too.

2. The Gym Hottie: These girls know they're hot, and they know they're hot because they go to the gym so often. They run in Nike sports bras that showcase their pert nipples and booty shorts that keep their asses firmly in place while they sprint into oblivion. They purposely stretch in seductive ways in front of the guy's tennis team. They wear their hair DOWN when they run, and frequently apply lipstick between workouts. They make me feel frumpy and awful in my Springfield Township High School tshirt and Soffees.

3. The Musclehead: Transplanted straight from Venice Beach, these gym rats have necks the size of their biceps, and their biceps are fucking huge. They spend most of the time hitting the weights, but when they get on the cardio machines they always ALWAYS wipe the sweat off their brow with the shirt so whoever is around can catch a glimpse of their washboard abs. Their sweat smells like rotten eggs and they most likely belong to a frat. Do. Not. Want.

I need to stop going to the gym. Clearly it's making me insane.

-Jess

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

as a palladium gym employee, i can point you toward some other gems:

4) the girl who runs in makeup and looks like a wreck afterward. why are you running in makeup? i know the gym nowadays is basically a way for people who are more active than me to check out/pick up other people who are more active than me, but you've been sweating, and now you look like something from "thriller."

5) the tall asian kids who play basketball.

6) the short, fat, and stubbly men who play basketball.

7) the old ladies who use the locker room as a nudist colony.