Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I love CSI: Miami. It's ridiculous, unrealistic, over-the-top, questionably written and overacted. And all of that makes it the most enjoyable 45 minutes I can spend in front of the television each week. Well, by "television" I mean "laptop screen" because I don't own a TV and thus have to watch the episodes online.
Point is, someone recently asked me why I love the show so much. I couldn't really think of what to say; telling someone you love a show because it's ridiculous and unrealistic hardly sounds convincing. So I thought I'd give you a glimpse into what goes through my mind when I watch an episode of this delicious program--the good, the bad, and the Miami sun-drenched sexy. Tonight's episode is called "To Kill A Predator," and you can watch it yourself here. Enjoy--I know I will.
Pre-show commercial for an anti-flatulence medicine: the setup is that all the dialogue makes some pun-driven reference to farting. Finally the woman's (male, probs gay) secretary comes in and says: "Your son Rip is on line toot." That made me laugh 30 seconds longer than it should have. Anyway.
0:10- Okay, enough with the skyline.
0:20- Btw, when did it officially become okay to say "bitch" on network television? It still seems weird to me.
0:45- What's with all the long, continuous shots in this opener? Like, for serious, we get it, dude got run over. Whatever.
1:25- Shut up, Frank. You don't get paid to think.
1:38- Wait for cheesy David Caruso one-liner...
1:45- Oh, that was weak. And, um, didn't really make sense. I wonder if Davie realizes how much of a caricature Horatio has become.
2:23- I just found out that Khandi Alexander is 50. Whatever homegirl's doing, she's doing it well, cuz damn.
3:12- Okay, seriously, why does David Caruso sound like he's taking a dump with every line he says? Like, for real, every line.
3:44- No, bitch, he just tripped. Of course he's the hit-and-run victim.
4:05- What kind of idiot wears Chanel sunglasses to examine bloodied corpses? Or light-colored clothing? And why does Khandi Alexander always sound like a creepy camp counselor, no matter who she's talking to?
4:43- She's fucking him. She has to be fucking him.
4:55- Frank's getting a lot of screen time this episode. Good for him.
5:02- I KNEW IT.
5:32- I haven't heard someone actually say the word "PDA" in at least three years.
5:59- Ew, Eric, wipe that smile off your face.
6:14- I'm really not paying attention to the dialogue; Jonathan Togo is just so hot. SO HOT.
6:37- STILL SO HOT.
6:43- Okay, one thing I love about this show is that they try to make even the most mundane tasks look cool. Dude's mixing things in a metal bowl and it looks like the most awesome shit ever.
7:18- So he was trying to read the impressions. I'm relieved that we got to listen to slowed-down techno music while H went through the process.
7:57- I seriously seriously doubt it's that easy to find out this info in real life. I know it's a TV show, I'm just saying. That actually took ten seconds.
8:38- Because only the trashiest girls wear cheap perfume in Miami.
9:12- Weird face.
9:48- Once again, what should have been a lengthy process took about ten seconds. Gotta love CBS.
10:24- SO MIAMI. "Costume jewelry."
10:50- STILL SO HOT.
11:05- Yes! The reluctant we-have-evidence-that-proves-you're-lying face. A perennial favorite.
11:40- Oh no she didn't.
11:54- Oh no HE didn't.
12:00- And now this became a therapy session. Oh no the writers didn't.
13:13- He said that line like he really wanted to mean it. That's where he'll be, indeed.
13:35- Oh hey, there you are. Glad you could join us, Detective Boa Vista. Even though I'm pretty sure this is Khandi's job.
14:12- Oh see? CSI Miami is hip; they know what's up. All these newfangled catching-child-molester shows.
15:09- Does David Caruso know how to open his eyes all the way? Or is it always just too sunny?
15:26- That's the most fake-looking television logo I've ever seen. Come on, CSI, you can do better.
16:03- "Hope you're decent!" So that you can just roofie her drink and take off her clothes again after she passes out.
16:30- Emily Procter suddenly looks really aged. Makeup!
17:15- Am I a bad person for being distracted by trying to figure out this woman's ethnicity? Is she Polynesian? Hawaiian? She's something, and it ain't white. Not like it matters but whatever.
17:50- Okay, maybe I'm just weird like that but I really thought this was gonna be one of those things where this guy was retarded and thought he was a 15-year-old-girl or something, so the show employs him out of pity. I think that could've been fun to watch.
18:24- "I'LL BUY YOU WINE COOLERS." Somebody give that man my number.
18:37- Please note that it's boi, not boy. Cuz that's how people talk on the internetz.
18:58- Oh no. You are not gonna solve this thing in 10 seconds. I can almost understand it at the crime lab, but you work for a TV show.
19:38- I take it this is Kevin. I guess it also takes three seconds to locate him in the entire Miami-Dade area.
20:04- You know, it's sometimes easy to forget why Frank is on this show. Scenes like this reveal his true purpose: doing the work that the CSIs are too busy for.
21:06- Did you hear that pause between "care to" and "elaborate"? Yeah, that's what David Caruso gets paid to do.
21:30- This guy can't be the killer. It'd be too obvious. We're only halfway through.
22:04- I love how she says "Internet pedophiles" like she's never heard either of the words before. Like, "You mean one of those adults who try to secude children using an interconnected network of computers? I'm beginning to understand." Still, bitch looks goods for 50.
23:18- I really don't understand how she could get a print from broken shards of glass. But whatever.
23:40- PEDOPHILES ARE EVERYWHERE. That is what I learned from this episode of CSI: Miami.
23:53- Gotta love the gratuitous "lifestyle" shots. Accompanied by non-threatening "urban" music.
24:45- "And by 'meeting,' I mean my dad's basement. And by 'come with me,' I mean can you pick up some wine coolers on the way over."
25:30- Actually, "gypsy girl" sounds like the least teenager-created screen name ever in the history of the Internet. Except maybe for "luscious lay," a screen name that Jess and I created when we entered our own online chat. As...as a joke. Anyway.
26:43- Uh-oh, guy's a creep.
27:10- Oh never mind, it's her dad. And both her parents are touching her awkwardly.
27:28- I don't know why these people ever think running from cops is a good idea. Like, it never works. And guy's wearing a backpack, which is only holding him back.
28:29- OPEN YOUR EYES, DAVID CARUSO.
29:20- "Hey, little girl, I'm am older man you don't know. Don't trust other older men you don't know. Now I'm gonna show you this binder filled with pictures of another little girl. This totally makes sense and will not creep you out in any way."
30:15- STILL SO HOT.
30:30- Yeah, colored contacts are pretty tacky.
30:47- Did you know that the writers for this episode got a bonus every time they worked the word "pedophile" into conversation"?
31:18- More stylized footage of mundane tasks. Look at all those split-screens; she must be doing something really cool and sleek.
32:20- Did they do this all in one shot? Could you really say a line like "You were at the park to meet MoonMan, weren't you?" without cracking up? I guess that's why he's an actor.
32:55- "Ha ha, it's pedophile-girl! Pedophile-girl, buy me some wine coolers! Ha ha!"
34:46- SLOW MOTION. (With echo echo echo echo.)
35:17- This girl's voice is already whiskey burned. And she's fourteen. So really, this actress is way older.
36:03- ALCOHOL. This man is eeeevil. Because if you're gonna try to seduce someone, bring something classy, not whatever was on the most reachable shelf at the deli.
36:56- Is this guy, like, Tracy Morgan's uglier cousin?
37:38- "HEY WHO WANTS THIS SUPER COOL AUTHENTIC SMALL PIECE OF EVIDENCE FROM AN OBSCURE MURDER"
39:13- I'm just saying, that's a really ugly shirt he's wearing. What, was JC Penney having a clearance sale?
39:45- One wonders how she managed to sneak a hunting rifle onto a balcony without anyone noticing. Whatever.
40:14- Snappy comeback in 3, 2, 1...
40:52- Awkward much?
41:09- Aw, but he looks so gosh darn cute!
42:14- Taking off the watch, oh shit!
42:36- WHOA. That was intense. And vague. And totally awesome.
So there you have it, another sweet episode of CSI: Miami. Now go rethink your life.