Stephen came back! Or wait, is it Stephin? I kind of remember his name being oddly fucked up and Orange Countyish. Anyway. He came back, and you know, we could just gloss over it but I guess I'll say it: he got kind of fat. Especially compared to Lauren who has lost approximately 894032849032 pounds since the heydays of Laguna Beach. Lo attempted to circumvent that obtrusive thing called her "little black heart" in an effort to coax Lauren into reigniting feelings for the beer-bellied Stephen, whose lechery was wisely masked by his obvious disinterest in pursuing anything romantical with Lauren. When confronted on the status of their relationship as "just friends," he responded, "It seems to work that way." Lauren's face falls, she tries to reel him back in with the classic "My parents love you" line. Then, as always, she ends up at home with Lo eating ice cream and pretending her heart wasn't just shattered into a million defunct pieces. She does all this while wearing a hideous one shoulder silk sheet, draped awkwardly over her perpetually shrinking body.
That Lauren is fucking tough.
The Stephanie/Spencer/Heidi dynamic is getting superfluous and played-out. We get it. Heidi and Spencer don't want Stephanie to be friends with Lauren. Stephanie just wants to maximize her screentime. We don't need staged fights in a cleared out coffeehouse or sighs of resignation when Heidi guilt trips Stephanie into a movie night in lieu of Lauren's housewarming party to figure that out.
Speaking of the housewarming party: WHAT. THE. FUCK. That house is so nice. We've known since her parents constructed a gorgeous hillside mansion on Laguna Beach that Lauren is rich, and I'm sure she makes loads off of The Hills and its various merchandising tactics (hellooo shitty fashion line). But that house was RIDICULOUS. And the party was like a Hills wetdream. I would have sacrificed my first born to the reality TV gods to be able to attend that party. Tiki torches! Rose bushes! Brody Jenner and his tactless move of bringing his plastic girlfriend! Sigh.