Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Hills: Reprising a Laguna Beach Reprisal

Last night's episode of The Hills was like watching the sad, anorexic skeletons of Laguna Beach characters reinact desperate scenes from high school, also known as Laguna Beach Season 2.

Stephen came back! Or wait, is it Stephin? I kind of remember his name being oddly fucked up and Orange Countyish. Anyway. He came back, and you know, we could just gloss over it but I guess I'll say it: he got kind of fat. Especially compared to Lauren who has lost approximately 894032849032 pounds since the heydays of Laguna Beach. Lo attempted to circumvent that obtrusive thing called her "little black heart" in an effort to coax Lauren into reigniting feelings for the beer-bellied Stephen, whose lechery was wisely masked by his obvious disinterest in pursuing anything romantical with Lauren. When confronted on the status of their relationship as "just friends," he responded, "It seems to work that way." Lauren's face falls, she tries to reel him back in with the classic "My parents love you" line. Then, as always, she ends up at home with Lo eating ice cream and pretending her heart wasn't just shattered into a million defunct pieces. She does all this while wearing a hideous one shoulder silk sheet, draped awkwardly over her perpetually shrinking body.

That Lauren is fucking tough.

The Stephanie/Spencer/Heidi dynamic is getting superfluous and played-out. We get it. Heidi and Spencer don't want Stephanie to be friends with Lauren. Stephanie just wants to maximize her screentime. We don't need staged fights in a cleared out coffeehouse or sighs of resignation when Heidi guilt trips Stephanie into a movie night in lieu of Lauren's housewarming party to figure that out.

Speaking of the housewarming party: WHAT. THE. FUCK. That house is so nice. We've known since her parents constructed a gorgeous hillside mansion on Laguna Beach that Lauren is rich, and I'm sure she makes loads off of The Hills and its various merchandising tactics (hellooo shitty fashion line). But that house was RIDICULOUS. And the party was like a Hills wetdream. I would have sacrificed my first born to the reality TV gods to be able to attend that party. Tiki torches! Rose bushes! Brody Jenner and his tactless move of bringing his plastic girlfriend! Sigh.



Marshall said...

For some reason I have an image of Brody attending the party w/Bianca from LARS AND THE REAL GIRL. She's totally on the rise.

Mo said...

Lauren Conrad might actually be the definition of pathetic. You're 22 years old! That shit happened senior year of high school. GET OVER IT. Lo and her Jewish mothery ways definitely don't help. And hahah yes I also noticed that Stephen is a total chubster.

Andddd in regards to the housewarming party, can we just talk about how Audrina is basically a stranger in the house of the blond prudes?? (That's Lo and Lauren). Every interaction between the three of them is so fucking awkward. But it doesn't even matter because I couldn't stop watching this show even if I wanted to.