Sunday, April 13, 2008

A Girl's Guide to Fucking With Your Ex-Boyfriend

These are schemes I don't (but probably should) employ. After talking to various sources on the issue over the past few weeks, I've compiled a list to be followed only if you have sheer mutant revenge coursing through your veins.

1. DO make him jealous.
I have nice boobs. You have nice boobs. And chances are, if you got past 2nd base, he knows we have nice boobs. Why not flaunt them? Show a little cleav. It's not going to hurt anyone! Except maybe entice some grotsky truck drivers to make comments through their cracked windows.

2. DON'T fall for the regret ploy.
A few weeks into the breakup his desire to express his regret will exponentially increase. Do not fall for it. He may drunk dial you or write something hauntingly sweet on your Facebook wall, but it does NOT mean he wants to get back together with you. He is playing games. If you're immature like me, you want to play them back. Go ahead. Change your relationship status to "In an open relationship." Ignore his text messages and photo comments. And, if possible, change your picture to one of you macking on a gay guy who looks straight; remember, straight guys have no gaydar, so he will automatically assume you are letting a straight guy touch your boobs. Why let him regret when he can Regret?

3. DO let him know you've orgasmed since.
If you can't avoid his IMs, and you just need to talk to him, make sure the conversation includes how you've fucked another guy since, ESPECIALLY if you know he hasn't scored a rebound yet. This will make him feel sad and small, which is the way ex-boyfriends deserve to feel. If possible, this should actually be true information. Might I suggest fucking an ex-ex boyfriend who serves strictly as a Friend With Benefits now? Or perhaps an older man who loves the college ass. Those 30-somethings sure know how to use their hands.

So, fuck Cosmopolitan. They don't know shit. If you're intent on exacting emotional revenge on someone who has turned you into a sad emo fuck, these are the three golden rules to follow. Let me know how they work out. I don't have the patience for these games. (Oh god someone knock me off my high horse I totally do)

-Jess

5 comments:

David said...

Talk about cutting to the chase.

Anonymous said...

so true. i don't care if they work but they make me feel damn good.

Marshall said...

Is that Kevin Costner?

Jess and Josh said...

i don't know i thought it was you.

Anonymous said...

I hope Mr.Roy read #3