Monday, March 24, 2008

Speaking of Hillz, what if she had the affair instead of Bill?

The Clintons are an interesting clan; out of the 4 of them, I like Socks the best, and even had a postcard of him. He died in 2001 (Ed. Note: KIDDING! FACT CHECK! Socks is alive, just not with the Clintons. According to a source close the family, he is voting for Obama), leaving us with Chelsea, who was recently seen sitting on the floor of a Starbucks near Columbia (wow, she is really one with the people!), and Bill who had an affair with a woman who didn't even swallow (who DOES that?), and then there's Hillary. Hate Hillz, but this article on Jezebel got me thinking: what if Hillary had been the one to cheat?

As First Lady, you're held to standards almost as exacting as the President. You become democracy's version of royalty, and if you even think about smoking a cigarette or calling your daughter a "bitch," that shit's gon' make the headlines. Bill was totally roasted for his sexcapades, but would Hillary have been treated the same? And why hasn't Hillary had an affair? Is it simply because she's good at keeping secrets, so all of her indiscretions are well hidden? That's doubtful, considering that most likely her opponents are trying to dig up that kind of dirt as we speak. I think, on a more personal level, it's simply because nothing's gone in or out of that vag since this picture was taken, but what about other women in power?

Newsweek argues that fewer women in power have affairs simply based on numbers. There are only 86 women in Congress, and can you name a single one besides Nancy Pelosi? (Okay, I can- Allyson Schwartz. But that's only because I worked for her). And this has some truth to it, as does the argument that men can be a little, um, apprehensive about getting involved with women in power. But I'm also going to argue that men and women simply have different views of marriage and sex. If a woman is unsatisfied, she typically just gets sad and eats a lot and laments the fact that she can no longer orgasm. When a man is unsatisfied in a marriage, he fucks a hooker.

So girls: if you're stuck in an unhappy marriage, put down the Ben and Jerry's and pick up a Tilda Swintonesque Latin lover. It will make your vagina happy, and it will also help close the gap that men like Bill and Elliot have widened. I mean, if Hillary came out and admitted to having sex with a really hot guy because Bill wasn't satisfying her, I might even delete my previous post and hop on her bandwagon!

-Jess

4 comments:

Marshall said...

Jane Harman, Stephanie Tubbs-Jones, Caroline Cheeks Kilpatrick?, Blanche Lincoln, Patty Murray, Olympia Snowe, Barbara Mikulski?, uhhh... and breathe. There are 75 more of you?

Anonymous said...

She could be just sitting on the floor because she wanted to use the outlet...

Jess and Josh said...

I could just be being sarcastic...

Marshall said...

Yeah the outlet makes sense. The ChelseaBot2008 requires frequent recharging. It's one of the biggest kinks in the Clinton campaign.