Saturday, January 12, 2008

An Open Letter to All Gay Men

I posted this on Facebook but why the hell not.


I get hit on every so often. It's not like I walk down the street and get three phone numbers on my way to Whole Foods, but it's happened enough to the point where I sort of know what to expect.
For some reason, the gays in Chicago are a little more, er, forward about their crushes. Especially as Courtney and I went shopping along the Magnificent Mile, I noticed guy after guy taking notice of me. Some of these guys were cute; some were creepy. Of course, I wasn't going to make any plans for a date, since I was in town for just a week. But now that I'm back in the city, I mean...I'm available, is what I'm saying. Great, now this got awkward.
Back to my point. Wanna be cute and not creepy? Well, there are some things you should know. Guidelines to follow. A perfect excuse for a Facebook note!
Read and take notes, boys. The test is on Friday, and no, it's not open-book.

1. Work at a store? That's great, but your obligation to ask me for assistance does not give you the right to follow me around said store and stare at me as I pick out jeans. Seriously? It's weird. It's weird and it makes me uncomfortable, and the last thing on my mind when you do that is striking up conversation. Also, it's not good for business, because when I feel pressured by a sales associate, my first impulse is to just leave the store. So. Say hi, ask me how I'm doing, and let me know where the sales are. Other than that, keep your distance. If I need your help, I will ask you. If I want to talk to you more, I'll come up to you.
1a. The ONLY exception to this rule is if you actually have something interesting to say. Like, if I'm looking at a shirt and a celebrity just bought it the other day, or if you can see I'm struggling to find the price tag (because I'm a huge Jew), or if you catch me staring at you, which isn't nearly as creepy as you staring at me because as the laws of business teach us, the customer is always right.

2. Just because I'm at a club does not mean I'm looking to go home with somebody. Guys, don't sit next or dance next to me, say hi, and expect me to hang out with you the entire night. If I want you, I may be a little too shy to come up to you, but you'll know. I'll make it clear I enjoy your company. But listen, guy-who-only-wears-Diesel: it's great that you've got money and that you're friends with the people who run the party. I'm flattered that you think I'm cute and want to talk to me. But if you sit and start asking me how old I am or where I'm from or what my sexual fetishes are, I am under no obligation to answer you.
2a. Buying me a drink is a sweet gesture, especially because I don't like spending money. That said, again: buying me a drink does not equal me going home with you. If I'm into you, it's not because you have another seven bucks to spare. If I'm not into you and you buy me a drink, I mean...thanks. We can chat for a few minutes, but honestly, I'm just trying to be polite.
2b. Hey man, you're a player. I can see that. I can see you walking around the dance floor, hitting on everything with a penis. I can see guys feeling uncomfortable by your advances all over the place! And I can also see that you're just really horny, probably drunk, and definitely an idiot. You know what's not a turn-on? Being your third choice. If you want me but you're also into other guys, at least try to not make it so obvious that you're just looking to get some. I'm not some name your can check off your list.

3. So, okay, I accepted your friend request even though I don't know who you are or how you could possibly know me. In fact, you probably don't know me, and only found my page by browsing someone else's friends. You just seem like a nice and not-weird guy, so I don't wanna reject your request, even though I pretty much have every right to. My acceptance of your Facebook friendship, however, does not mean that it's okay for your to message me or IM me, because see that dark spot a few miles back? Yeah, that's the line, and you long since crossed it. Besides, if you're really that desperate for a date that you'll try to talk to people you've never even met, well...that's not exactly scoring you any points in my book, now is it?
3a. It's extra-creepy if you're out of college. I've gotten with older guys before, but seriously, Mr. Community-College-Alum-05, what are you doing trolling around the Internet looking for boys who can't legally drink? And that picture of you drunkenly smiling while your three fag buddies chug Stella in the background is hardly attractive. In fact, it's sad, and I kind of pity you. But not enough for a date. Sorry, chief.

4. (I can't believe I have to include this one.) I live a block away from The Cock. If you don't know, The Cock is the trashiest of all trashy gay clubs, open seven nights a week. When I am walking home from the Lower East Side at four in the morning, it is not uncommon for me to pass by the Cock on my way to my dorm. Cock-ers, I understand if you want to stare as I walk along; and yes, sometimes there's a really cute piece of eye candy smoking outside and I get my fill. But that's where this ends, got it? No, I do not want to talk to you. No, I do not need a cigarette. No, I do not want to come inside. I don't care how drunk you are--get it through your meth-addicted head that the reason I didn't go The Cock this evening is because I didn't want to deal with people like you. And now I'm being forced to. And no, I'm not turned on; I'm pissed off. Thanks.

5. Finally, if we're at a dorm party or other location where large groups of people my age can socialize, and you think I'm cute, well...come up to me. Say hi. I know I've just sounded kind of mean and antisocial throughout this note, but I mean, we go to the same school, so how bad can you be? I don't have the guts to approach guys I find cute, but I'll be impressed if you do. I can't tell you how many times I've kicked myself for not asking this boy for a light or that boy for the time; yes, those are tired tricks to start a conversation, but it's better than nothing, right? So come on. The worst I do is not be interested, but I'm not the type to shut you down right away, because again, I give you credit for even coming up to me, and the least I can do is give you a shot.

Ugh. Valentine's Day is in a month and two days. Bust out the wine and Prozac, kids; it's gonna be a cold season.


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