Saturday, January 12, 2008

Attention all straight males with superiority complexes

This is me fellating a champagne flute. Don't get any ideas... or do.

So. The guy I was dating is leaving next week for London for four months. This means I need a new boyfriend. Here's my type:

1. Arrogant, but not fratty. Please no bros from brolando who want to talk about football and bitches they've boned and nothing else.

2. Treats me like shit but sometimes doesn't.

3. Is ok with me having strong opinions on the following topics:
-Women's rights, including sexual and reproductive health rights
-Anti-shitty writing
-Vegetarianism

4. Emotionally unavailable: knows the importance of give and take and take and take and take.

5. Wants to have sex a lot. Like, a lot.

6. Can appreciate an expensive restaurant but also is okay with the fact that 90% of the time we're going to end up ordering delivery and watching TV shows canceled at least a year ago or more.

7. Appreciate fashion without being a gay boi hottie. I have enough of those in my life.

8. An angry writer-type would be best. Don't be an alcoholic. Smoke lots of pot but don't put drugs above me, because I need to be able to have that option open. Write poetry about me but when I ask to see it get defensive and pretend it's not about me.

9. Pay me compliments and then pretend you were joking but do it in a way that I know you were serious.

10. Be in school. Be smarter than me. Be tall. Be able to have a conversation about Nas and Lindsay Lohan and Nietzche all at the same time. Be sexually adventurous. Keep me guessing. Don't wear baggy jeans. Pay for things without being misogynistic. Like my friends. Enjoy "Gossip Girl," or at least pretend to for my sake. And lastly: don't move to Europe.

If you or anyone you know fits any of these descriptions please contact me ASAP. I will be snuggling with Josh and secretly wishing he liked va-jay-jay until then.

Thank you,
Jess

PS: I can also do classy things with champagne flutes, okay???

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