Wednesday, January 2, 2008

2008: A rounder number, a rounder you

Jess and Josh are back! And ready to celebrate 2008.

Now's the time to feel all the guilt that 2007 wouldn't allow you to. Sure, it's a new year, but the holidays are over and it's back to realizing a few depressing things that will keep that blade poised mercilessly above your wrists:

1) You have gained 2-10 pounds because you've subsisted mainly on the food your parents keep in the kitchen. This includes, but is not limited to:
a) Delicious gourmet cookies your meager budget cannot afford.
b) Cheeses. Lots of holiday cheeses.
c) Latenight hot chocolate.
d) Christmas feast leftovers-- lasagna, mashed potatoes, those amazing Pillsbury crescent rolls slathered in butter, brownies cut into the shape of snowmen/Santa.

2) You have spent way too much money buying gifts for other people. Or, in my case, buying gifts for yourself in order to make up for all the gifts you didn't buy other people.

3) You probably treated your family like crap over the holidays. Your Grandmother bothered you one-too-many times about the state of your hair. Your father caught you smoking a joint with your cousin outside of your step-grandparents' house on Christmas. (Or was this only me?) Your mother berated you about "spending time" when all you want to do was spend time in your room, alone, moaping and listening to the only music sitting around your childhood bedroom: Say it with me now.... COLDPLAY. So now you must spend the rest of the year making up with your family: Cheerful phone calls. Thank you notes. Quick e-mails that "show you care." All this until the next holiday, when the cycle will start all over again.

4) New Year's Resolutions: No one ever keeps them. Stop promising yourself you'll quit coke or stop seeing your toxic boyfriend or be nicer to your dying Grandmother. Ain't gon' happen.

Happy 2008. Here's to being just as cynical as in 2007.


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