Thursday, November 22, 2007
JOSH: home ehh. MAKIN A LIQUOR STORE RUN.
ME: talk to me in an hour when i've had a few drinks in me.
ME: my grandparents' house has a sign outside that says "caution golfers crossing" omg WASP's.
JOSH: my uncle calls joints doobers
(STEP-UNCLE) MICHAEL: you're a dork and so is your uncle
MICHAEL: you have crabs
ME: i'm so drunk i can't lift the platters to pass them around the table
ME: what should i put on my christmas list?
MICHAEL: an early pregnancy detection test
What are the holidays for if not to get completely wasted in front of your extended family, listen to shitty Beyonce covers of Christmas carols and attempt to stomach your uncles' off-color comments? (Uncle Mark: The U.N. is the worst organization ever invented, all they do is harm.)
Drink up, most of us will be back in the city by Saturday, but it's all uphill until then.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Day 1 of New York withdrawal and my Grandmother has decided to tell me not to play with my hair at least twice an hour
JOSH: when like you've seen your friends
JOSH: and now you're in your room or wherever
JOSH: and you're not tired and in new york the night wouldn't be over
JOSH: but hm. i have a lil weed.
...and so it goes.
So far my Dad/Grandma and I have gotten into fights about the following things:
-Talking to my boyfriend on the phone at 4am
-Talking on the phone while driving
-Driving too fast
-Having the music on too loud in the car
-Wearing a shirtdress (they're my fucking fashion staple GOOD GOD)
-Calling my Grandma "annoying" (This, admittedly, was a misstep because it allowed her to be passive-aggressive for the next hour saying "I can't believe you would say that to your Grandmother" and "I only see you a few times a year and this is how you treat me" and "I don't accept your apology.")
So in short, here's what I'm thankful for:
THE MOTHERFUCKING DANK-ASS HERB I GOT VIA DELIVERY SERVICE BEFORE HAVING TO COME HOME AND ENTER THE NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL.
Here's a hand turkey:
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
The Coke-Addled Best Friend
· One eight ball of pure Colombian cocaine: However, due to the current NYC coke shortage, a gram of regular ½ baby laxatives ½ unknown amphetamine coke should suffice: $60
· Kleenex: For those pesky bloody noses! $3.99
· Blow: Nothing gets a mouth watering and a nose running like Johnny Depp coked out of his mind and trying to pony drugs across the border. $10
The Gay Boi Hottie
· American Apparel lamé spandex: A definite must for the queer in your life. $40
· A haircut at Bumble&Bumble: Make sure your gay looks as fresh as possible when you bring him home for the holidays for the 3rd year in a row because you can’t find a suitable straight man in this godforsaken city. $80
· Poppers: They get you high for 60 seconds AND they loosen your asshole up for those risqué nights about town. I literally can’t think of anything better. Anyone know how much these fucking cost?
The “Don’t call me a hipster” Hipster Douche
· The Misshapes Book: Let him be inspired by the variety of asshole looks in this glossy, narcissistic spread. It’s like a hipster orgy on 6x10 paper, and you can even read it without those annoyingly tight skinnies and garish bowler hat on. Ah, the comforts of home. $16.50
· A case of PBR: It tastes like piss and you feel like piss after an evening of drinking it. Happy Holidays, folks! $20
· Chunky black framed glasses: To be worn ironically to mask the serious mysterious hidden behind his gray eyes. Other fans: Woody Allen, Rivers Cuomo and… oh fuck, my lesbian aunt. $5 at Claire's
Monday, November 19, 2007
MOM: Nice icon, BTW.
My mother is so hip. Complimenting my immature illicit drug AIM reference and using internetz speak? I wish she was this cool when I was in high school and came home high and drunk from a Phish concert. For that, I just got grounded. Then again, perhaps her parenting skills were on point: in retrospect, Phish is such an awful band.
JESS: and i got my friend to tell me everything that was on it
JESS: so being a slacker sometimes does pay off
JESS: and he made me step outside when he was handing it back
JESS: i know
JESS: actually what happened was we were smoking a cigarette outside before class and he was like "oh jessica, all in black, you're so hip" in his french accent… wtf… and i asked him when i could take it and he was like tomorrow during class but im handing it back so chill out here, smoke another cig then come in
JOSH: chemicals from tobacco smoke enter the bloodstream, they could enter the eye causing sudden, irreversible blindness and bursting of blood vessels in that region
JOSH: just something to think about
JESS: *lights cig*
JOSH: they can also cause gangrene
JESS: so can frostbite, which is the #1 killer among people under 25
JOSH: frostbite is definitely not the number 1 killer of people under 25
JESS: im joking
JOSH: maybe of Eskimos over the age of 75
JESS: I WAS GONNA SAY THAT
JESS: we're retarded
Ed. Note: As I was typing this up in Microsoft Word, the Autocorrect capitalized the word “Eskimo.” Fuck! It just did it again! Who knew??
JOSH: we should call each other paul from now on
JESS: ok paul
JOSH: hey paul whatsup
JESS: nm paul u?
JOSH: n2m. man, paul, i'm so pissed bout my cpu
JESS: yeah fuck macs, paul, i mean, shit.
JESS: apparently we become bros when we call each other paul?
JOSH: oh, paul, you slay me
JESS: oh wait no, now you're back to being GAYGAYGAY
JESS: silly paul
JOSH: okay paul thats enough
JESS: kk paul
JOSH: well, that killed....
JOSH: ...2 minutes of my time
Jakob goes on to further expose himself as a misogynist A Doll's House style, writing about Julia's obvious flaws as having "great potential" as he can "expose her to the classic art that my friends and I have loved for years." Julia is so lucky to have a man like Jakob who can teach her the important cultural and geographical differences between Beer Pong and Beirut. I wish my boyfriend viewed me as a vacant vessel to pour all of his snobbish opinions and intellectual rigor into until I could stand in his image, the Eve to his Adam. Hey Jakob-- call me!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
As Thanksgiving dashes toward us faster than an anxious turkey, let's all fill our hearts with gratitude. For even as our housing market collapses, the value of the U.S. dollar falls and an ugly recession looms just around the corner, it's important for us to thank the good Lord for this great land of ours! Yes, it's true that our motherland is stumbling like a drunk whore across the back alleys of international commerce. Yes, it's true that we're falling behind other nations, thanks to the fact that the incompetent jackasses we knew back in high school and college are assuming positions of authority, where they're doubtlessly screwing things up with reckless abandon.
But let's give thanks anyway. Recessions aren't all bad, remember. At least now your dumb yuppie friends will stop prattling on about installing a Jacuzzi tub in their enormous bathroom. At least now fast food and cheap beer will be back in style. At least now college kids will stop thinking that they should be running their own companies or directing multimillion-dollar movies the second they graduate. Instead, they'll have to go get temp jobs, just like we did, back during the last recession. Because when recent college grads aren't eating Ramen and groveling for unpaid internships, there's really something wrong with the world.