Thursday, November 22, 2007

Cranksgiving

At noon:

JOSH: home ehh. MAKIN A LIQUOR STORE RUN.
ME: talk to me in an hour when i've had a few drinks in me.

At 2pm:

ME: my grandparents' house has a sign outside that says "caution golfers crossing" omg WASP's.
JOSH: my uncle calls joints doobers
(STEP-UNCLE) MICHAEL: you're a dork and so is your uncle
MICHAEL: you have crabs
ME: i'm so drunk i can't lift the platters to pass them around the table

At 3pm:
ME: what should i put on my christmas list?
MICHAEL: an early pregnancy detection test

What are the holidays for if not to get completely wasted in front of your extended family, listen to shitty Beyonce covers of Christmas carols and attempt to stomach your uncles' off-color comments? (Uncle Mark: The U.N. is the worst organization ever invented, all they do is harm.)

Drink up, most of us will be back in the city by Saturday, but it's all uphill until then.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Day 1 of New York withdrawal and my Grandmother has decided to tell me not to play with my hair at least twice an hour

JOSH: i just hate those moments at like 2 in the morning
JOSH: when like you've seen your friends
JOSH: and now you're in your room or wherever
JOSH: and you're not tired and in new york the night wouldn't be over
JOSH: but hm. i have a lil weed.

...and so it goes.

So far my Dad/Grandma and I have gotten into fights about the following things:
-Talking to my boyfriend on the phone at 4am
-Talking on the phone while driving
-Driving too fast
-Having the music on too loud in the car
-Wearing a shirtdress (they're my fucking fashion staple GOOD GOD)
-Calling my Grandma "annoying" (This, admittedly, was a misstep because it allowed her to be passive-aggressive for the next hour saying "I can't believe you would say that to your Grandmother" and "I only see you a few times a year and this is how you treat me" and "I don't accept your apology.")

So in short, here's what I'm thankful for:
THE MOTHERFUCKING DANK-ASS HERB I GOT VIA DELIVERY SERVICE BEFORE HAVING TO COME HOME AND ENTER THE NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL.

Here's a hand turkey:


-Jess

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

My boyfriend wears I3 and Josh smokes O5


Does this make us bad people???
-Jess

Holiday Shit List

In the new issue of New York Magazine, next to an article about a strung-out crackhead and subsequently dead (rhyme!) real-estate broker, you will find a joyously condescending article giving “comprehensive advice for the creative giver.” My favorite part of this article has to be the way they brashly stereotype people of different age groups and put them in a box based on one (often times retarded) facet of their personality. For example: The “green-minded teen” and the “home obsessed girlfriend." So, Josh and I thought it would be a good idea to come up with our own hackneyed gift lists geared towards people who are more relevant to modern life.

The Coke-Addled Best Friend
· One eight ball of pure Colombian cocaine: However, due to the current NYC coke shortage, a gram of regular ½ baby laxatives ½ unknown amphetamine coke should suffice: $60
· Kleenex: For those pesky bloody noses! $3.99
· Blow: Nothing gets a mouth watering and a nose running like Johnny Depp coked out of his mind and trying to pony drugs across the border. $10

The Gay Boi Hottie
· American Apparel lamé spandex: A definite must for the queer in your life. $40
· A haircut at Bumble&Bumble: Make sure your gay looks as fresh as possible when you bring him home for the holidays for the 3rd year in a row because you can’t find a suitable straight man in this godforsaken city. $80
· Poppers: They get you high for 60 seconds AND they loosen your asshole up for those risqué nights about town. I literally can’t think of anything better. Anyone know how much these fucking cost?

The “Don’t call me a hipster” Hipster Douche
· The Misshapes Book: Let him be inspired by the variety of asshole looks in this glossy, narcissistic spread. It’s like a hipster orgy on 6x10 paper, and you can even read it without those annoyingly tight skinnies and garish bowler hat on. Ah, the comforts of home. $16.50
· A case of PBR: It tastes like piss and you feel like piss after an evening of drinking it. Happy Holidays, folks! $20
· Chunky black framed glasses: To be worn ironically to mask the serious mysterious hidden behind his gray eyes. Other fans: Woody Allen, Rivers Cuomo and… oh fuck, my lesbian aunt. $5 at Claire's

-Jess

Monday, November 19, 2007

Ok, I'm sober and this is still hilarious


My mom is better than your mom

(In response to my marijuana leaf AIM buddy icon)

MOM: Nice icon, BTW.

My mother is so hip. Complimenting my immature illicit drug AIM reference and using internetz speak? I wish she was this cool when I was in high school and came home high and drunk from a Phish concert. For that, I just got grounded. Then again, perhaps her parenting skills were on point: in retrospect, Phish is such an awful band.

-Jess

Eskimos and cigarettes

JESS: my french teacher is letting me take the test tomorrow during class
JESS: and i got my friend to tell me everything that was on it
JOSH: wooo
JESS: so being a slacker sometimes does pay off
JESS: and he made me step outside when he was handing it back
JOSH: LOL
JESS: i know
JESS: actually what happened was we were smoking a cigarette outside before class and he was like "oh jessica, all in black, you're so hip" in his french accent… wtf… and i asked him when i could take it and he was like tomorrow during class but im handing it back so chill out here, smoke another cig then come in
JOSH: chemicals from tobacco smoke enter the bloodstream, they could enter the eye causing sudden, irreversible blindness and bursting of blood vessels in that region
JESS: shit
JESS: w/e
JOSH: just something to think about
JESS: *lights cig*
JOSH: they can also cause gangrene
JESS: so can frostbite, which is the #1 killer among people under 25
JOSH: frostbite is definitely not the number 1 killer of people under 25
JESS: im joking
JOSH: maybe of Eskimos over the age of 75
JESS: I WAS GONNA SAY THAT
JESS: we're retarded

Ed. Note: As I was typing this up in Microsoft Word, the Autocorrect capitalized the word “Eskimo.” Fuck! It just did it again! Who knew??

JOSH: we should call each other paul from now on
JESS: ok paul
JOSH: hey paul whatsup
JESS: nm paul u?
JOSH: n2m. man, paul, i'm so pissed bout my cpu
JESS: yeah fuck macs, paul, i mean, shit.
JESS: apparently we become bros when we call each other paul?
JOSH: oh, paul, you slay me
JESS: oh wait no, now you're back to being GAYGAYGAY
JESS: silly paul
JOSH: okay paul thats enough
JESS: kk paul
JOSH: well, that killed....
JOSH: ...2 minutes of my time

It's Official: Jakob Lodwick and Julia Allison wish they were Josh and Jess

And I thought this blog was the only blatant vanity project on the internetz. I guess I was wrong. College Humor creator and literally the most pretentious douche bag to ever walk this fine earth, Jakob Lodwick , has launched a blog with his girlfriend, pretty-but-not-all-there Star Editor-at-Large Julia Allison. The blog reads like the diary of a vapid 13 year old girl, complete with pictures of the two kissing, and little snippets about each other such as: "Julia doesn't know who Radiohead is!" and "I think I cried about seven times and lost my temper at least three." (The last quote was from Jakob, of course).

Jakob goes on to further expose himself as a misogynist A Doll's House style, writing about Julia's obvious flaws as having "great potential" as he can "expose her to the classic art that my friends and I have loved for years." Julia is so lucky to have a man like Jakob who can teach her the important cultural and geographical differences between Beer Pong and Beirut. I wish my boyfriend viewed me as a vacant vessel to pour all of his snobbish opinions and intellectual rigor into until I could stand in his image, the Eve to his Adam. Hey Jakob-- call me!

-Jess

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Sunday Pie Graphs




Salon gets it write every time

From Salon.com:

As Thanksgiving dashes toward us faster than an anxious turkey, let's all fill our hearts with gratitude. For even as our housing market collapses, the value of the U.S. dollar falls and an ugly recession looms just around the corner, it's important for us to thank the good Lord for this great land of ours! Yes, it's true that our motherland is stumbling like a drunk whore across the back alleys of international commerce. Yes, it's true that we're falling behind other nations, thanks to the fact that the incompetent jackasses we knew back in high school and college are assuming positions of authority, where they're doubtlessly screwing things up with reckless abandon.

But let's give thanks anyway. Recessions aren't all bad, remember. At least now your dumb yuppie friends will stop prattling on about installing a Jacuzzi tub in their enormous bathroom. At least now fast food and cheap beer will be back in style. At least now college kids will stop thinking that they should be running their own companies or directing multimillion-dollar movies the second they graduate. Instead, they'll have to go get temp jobs, just like we did, back during the last recession. Because when recent college grads aren't eating Ramen and groveling for unpaid internships, there's really something wrong with the world.