Thursday, December 6, 2007

Vibrators: The solution to eradicating teenage pregnancy

Comprehensive sex education in public schools is actually something I'm really passionate about. I think it's important for girls in particular to learn about their bodies so they can enjoy healthy, erotic sexual relationships when they feel they are ready. My problem with the public school system is that they teach you how to say no to pre-marital sex, but they don't teach you how to say yes intelligently. All teenage girls engage in foreplay, but the problem is when that (naturally) leads to sex, (because, let's face it, there comes a point when it's just plain chemical). So they fuck and no one ever told them that they'd get pregnant from the pullout method because OMG sex feels so much better without a condom and all the sudden we have a bunch of kids having kids.

So- due to an article put out in the NY Times yesterday announcing that the teenage birthrate rose 3% in 2006, the first time it's risen since 1991, I decided to offer a little advice to girls out there who are on the verge of getting knocked up:

Use a vibrator.

Actually, use this one:
The iBuzz. It hooks up to your iPod. That means you can finally, finally get off to Thom Yorke's voice without having to actually be in a room with Thom Yorke. And I swear it'll get you off way quicker than your boyfriend's awkward, grunting thrusts that always somehow manage to just barely miss your G-spot. Also, best thing about the iBuzz? IT DOESN'T GET YOU PREGNANT. Imagine what would happen if on the first day of Health class in 9th grade your ugly, lesbian teacher (who of course also teaches gym) handed everyone one of these babies (vibrating cock ring included). I'm thinking:

1) A huge drop in teen pregnancy rates and STI contractions,
2) First an awful reaction from the Christian right, who don't believe that people should be allowed to know anything about their bodies; but then an eventual warming up to the idea because teens wouldn't be engaging in pre-marital sex, just pre-marital masturbation which everyone does anyway, and
3) A happy, healthy high school environment no longer fraught with mean girls competing for the hottest boyfriend or guys bragging about the "sluts" they "pounded."

I mean, honestly, isn't this a better situation all around? And with the holidays cumming up (GET IT?!?), the iBuzz is the perfect stocking stuffer.



Mazi said...

yeah and the xx million tax dollars spent on "abstinence education" can then go towards said vibrators

darvin said...

Vampires love these things.