Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Things To Hate About New York: Josh's Edition

New York Magazine released their annual issue, Reasons to Love New York. True to form, this is our cynical response.

Ah, New York. I could never imagine living anywhere else, yet, like so many of the things we love, it also manages to piss me off in countless ways. Actually, not quite "countless" since this is totally a numbered list.

1. It's Gay--I live in the Village. It's really gay around here; some of the city's most (in)famous gay clubs are mere minutes away. The Cock is literally one block from my dorm. The Annex is pretty faggy on any given night, and it takes about three songs on my iPod to get there. And I'm just a short subway ride from the Meatpacking District and Chelsea. Yet I'm single! Where have all the decent men gone? When did all the sweet, good-looking guys get together and stop going out, and why didn't the inform me? I'm sweet! I'm...well, I'm not ugly. Point is, after a certain point, the homosexuality starts to piss me off, taunting me with easy one-night stands and dangling its potential boyfriends in front of me, like a very flamboyant carrot hanging from a spandex string.

2. Broadway--When did Broadway become a circle of hell? It wasn't always this packed last year. Or maybe it was. The fact remains that Broadway is where downtown's tourists and creepsters go to roam and bug you for directions to the nearest Starbucks. I hate Broadway and avoid it whenever I can, and I suggest you do the same. And if you must trek down Broadway on a Saturday, well...who says you can't drive automobiles on the sidewalk? You'd reach your destination faster and probably bump into fewer people than you would walking anyway.

3. Random construction--It seems that every week, a new intersection or stretch of sidewalk is stripped bare and loaded with equipment and wet pavement and scaffolding. Not only does this destroy my view, but it makes the daily (well, sort-of-daily) walk to class all the more treacherous. Not to mention that the sound of a bulldozer right outside my window is hardly the wake-up call my hangovers desire.

4. Homeless people who get annoyed when you ignore them--Seriously, what law was passed that requires me to throw you a couple quarters? That's right, there isn't any. So don't get pissed at me, because I'm a college student and need that money to fund the self-destructive habits that make me feel okay about myself.

5. Cars that don't stop until they're halfway through the intersection--Because in addition to the construction and the homeless people, my morning really needs a brush with death. And you know what? Fuck you, you're driving a Mazda. Hit me with a Lexus and we'll talk.

6. Students that dress like they still live in New Jersey--When you got to NYU, you should have left the Ugg boots and Abercrombie sweatshirts at home. Nothing says "I'm an obnoxious bitch who's not yet ready to live on my own" like a rugby shirt. And dude with the American Eagle hat? Bro, you totally chose the wrong college. Go back to Rutgers and enjoy your petty Greek life, then call me in ten years when you've developed alcoholism. You'll also probably be a wealthy stockbroker ready to experiment with your sexuality, so, you know...look me up.

-Josh

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