Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Things to Hate About New York: Jess's Edition

New York Magazine released their annual issue, Reasons to Love New York. True to form, this is our cynical response.

1. Conversations like this, which I actually overheard walking home from work on Houston today:
Fat Christian Dad wearing a Cowboys hat and talking loudly in a Southern accent: Isn't it amazing? All of those stores! Wow!
Ugly Christian Daughter wearing a red knit cap from Old Navy: I know, I saw the Prada and I was just like wooooow! Prada!

2. I have a love/hate relationship with fashion in New York. Sometimes it's noon on a Saturday and I'm hungover as fuck and I just want some Starbucks. At home, I'd get in my (environmentally-friendly) Honda Civic hybrid and hit the drive thru. In New York I have to shower. And put on make-up. And do my hair. Because in New York, you cannot walk outside looking anything less than runway-ready. The few times I've been truly lazy enough to go out in sweatpants and Pumas I've run into 1) Mary-kate Olsen and 2) Sarah Jessica Parker. I shit you not. It sucks.

3. Creepy old men. Men in the suburbs may fantasize over you, but they will never bring those fantasies to life. In New York, anything goes. Last week a leering man in a truck literally PARKED his truck on the side of the road and GOT OUT to hit on me. This would never happen anywhere else. They aren't even subtle about it. Oh and by the way, if you're a truck driver, I'm probably not going to date you. It's not that I'm judgmental, but I do have standards. (Debatable)

4. Money: In New York, you need lots of it. And I just don't have it. Money for food and rent and school and drinks and drugs and cabs and subways and museums and clothes and toiletries. It's ridiculous. No matter how much you make, you'll never have enough to live the kind of life you want to. Ain't that depressing?

5. Any neighborhood above 14th street: Seriously. New York gets very midwestern above Union Square.

JOSH: lol statue of liberty
JESS: lolllllll
JESS: like i don't even think about that as part of new york
JESS: i forget that it even exists
JOSH: i know right
JOSH: like midtown
JOSH: what IS that

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