Saturday, December 1, 2007

Which is watched more: CNN or TMZ? Yeah, that's right. Lindsay Lohan for fucking President.

After having a little discussion with my friend Matt about the bleakness of the '08 presidential candidates, I've decided to come up with a list of my own concerning who I think should run for president. But first I'll give you a rundown of my opinions on the current Democratic frontrunners:

1. Hillary Clinton - Lesbian
2. Barack Obama - Apparently smokes Marlboro Reds and should therefore win on that platform alone
3. Dennis Kucinich - Hot wife
4. John Edwards - He broke my heart in '04, I won't let him do it again
5. Joe Biden - I know nothing about this motherfucker

I used to be so into politics. I campaigned for Kerry/Edwards in '04 and attended rallies and went to the protest in D.C. for Bush's '04 inauguration. But now I am wholly disenchanted with the political process. Maybe it's because I've become a lazy, selfish college student who cares more about TheCobrasnake than CNN. Or maybe it's because the Democratic candidates are so awful for this election that I don't feel like I can connect to any of them. The sad truth is that Hillary won't win because she's a woman, and Barack won't win because he's black. I'd much rather have Barack in the White House than any other choice, but I just can't get fully behind him because I'm not convinced he has a legitimate chance of winning. He's young and inexperienced, and there are still some very, very red states.

So what if celebrities ran for President? Schwarzenegger did it in California, and now you can get a medical marijuana card for vague symptoms such as "back pain" and "anxiety." Below I give you the celebrities I think should run for President.

1. Lindsay LohanPlatform: Lower the drinking age to 18, legalize medicinal marijuana in all 50 states and the use of cocaine as an oral anesthesia, no clothing taxes.
Who would vote for her?: College students, apathetic urban voters, drug addicts, Dina Lohan
Reasoning: Lindsay Lohan truly is an American hero. She hasn't made a good movie in years and yet she still manages to top the A list with her ridiculous antics, such as crashing into trees outside of The Ivy in L.A. and holding other peoples' cocaine in her pocket. She is leader of the tanorexics and has really nice boobs, which is more than we can say for Hillary.

2. Tim GunnPlatform: The delegalization of Sarah Jessica Parker's fugly/crappy/cheap line Bitten, pro-gay marriage, free fashion education for all, and his foreign policy goals?: MAKE IT WORK.
Who would vote for him? Teh gayz, Heidi Klum, all Parsons students, not Santino
Reasoning: Tim Gunn is just so nice and lovable. If North Korea gave us shit about nukes he would go over there, hug Kim Il-sung and give him an AMEX gift card with $3,000 on it for a new wardrobe and all would be right with the world. He's also dignified and wears Armani suits and I get the sense he speaks 890432 languages because he's just that awesome.

3. Adrien GrenierPlatform: The legalization of marijuana, pro-gay marriage, the legalization of prostitution, free HBO for all
Who would vote for him? Women, gay men, Entourage fans, Anne Hathaway
Reasoning: In order to make world peace possible, Adrien would simply flash this picture around and there would be no more need for wars or hatred or violence: his beauty would assuage all the pain in the world and we could once again get high and fuck in the streets like they used to in the '60s. Utopia, anyone?

-Jess

1 comment:

Mazi said...

haha free HBO for all