Monday, December 17, 2007

Domestic Abuse: In which my boyfriend proves he's wittier than me

Here's Justin's fake Santa letter---

Dear Bruno,

I think it’s cute that you asked for a bike again this year. I guess your parents told you that if you asked again maybe this year I’d be more inclined to get it for you. Maybe you were extra good this year, I don’t know, to be honest, in a given year I see maybe half the kids of the world, and that’s on a good year. I mean, they say a lot of kids don’t celebrate Christmas, but that’s bullshit Bruno, you and I both know that everyone does.So anyway, I’m not going to get you that bike, not because you don’t deserve it, but because I don’t have any. Haven’t you ever seen a movie? We make toy things here. Nutcrackers and dolls and shit. We don’t build things you can buy in stores. That’s for your parents to do. If you’re not getting what you want, take it up with them, not me. I mean, let me tell you a little secret, there’s no such thing as elves, they’re a myth, and even if they weren’t, the idea scares the shit out of me. So every present you get from me, I made it myself. And I can’t make bikes. I can barely make wooden dolls, but I do, because I’m that kind of guy.One last point of contention, I don’t think it’s cute when you write in crayon. Have your parents write your letters from now on, I want to be able to like, actually read them. Dig?

Ok, merry Christmas.

Love Santa

Ok, so maybe he's wittier but I have prettier hair. Also, I just rhymed wittier and prettier. TAKE THAT.

-Jess

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