Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Panamanians know me better than I know myself

Last night "Bob" called us back while we were picking up from a new source given to me by this guy in one of my classes. Too bad for you, "Bob!" Suffice to say last night was the Breaking Of The Fast, aka I got really fucking stoned. Upon climbing into bed to Stumble my little heart out, I came across this website that has basically brought upon the second coming of the Renaissance. It is entitled "Culture of the United States," and it is written by a cute little Panamanian man named Martin Frost "for the educational benefit of the Panama people." So what do the Panamanians want to know about the U.S.? Well, only everything, of course!

1. We eat hamburgers.

See Also: We're fat.


2. We hate everyone but ourselves.
This is actually true to some extent. There is a scarce market for imported entertainment, and few foreign books and movies are even translated/subtitled in English. Everything revolves around Hollywood. Which is fine because we have Heidi and Spencer. Nanananana!


3. We fuck people before we marry them.
Ever heard of test-driving the car before purchasing it? That statement doesn't really apply here because most people fuck and divorce, and you can't really return a car for 50% wealth and assets and split-custody.


4. One of the biggest centers of popular culture is Florida.
I hear they're fucking CRAZY in Fort Lauderdale, bro!


5. New England likes Lilly Pullitzer and Vera Bradley.
They also build elaborate shrines to JFK, Jr. and charter ferries to the Vineyard for "special holidays."


6. We are scared of black people.
White flight! Everybody out! I hear they're building another culdesac in Westchester! First one to the Tappan Zee Bridge wins a gift certificate to TGIFridays!


If you have not learned enough about yourself from this post, feel free to check out the links listed at the bottom of Mr. Martin Frost's page, which include:

Bill O'Reilly
Christian Right
The Secularization of Christmas


Where is Panama anyway? The gulf? Wait, which gulf? Fuck this.


-Jess

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