Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Holiday Shit List

In the new issue of New York Magazine, next to an article about a strung-out crackhead and subsequently dead (rhyme!) real-estate broker, you will find a joyously condescending article giving “comprehensive advice for the creative giver.” My favorite part of this article has to be the way they brashly stereotype people of different age groups and put them in a box based on one (often times retarded) facet of their personality. For example: The “green-minded teen” and the “home obsessed girlfriend." So, Josh and I thought it would be a good idea to come up with our own hackneyed gift lists geared towards people who are more relevant to modern life.

The Coke-Addled Best Friend
· One eight ball of pure Colombian cocaine: However, due to the current NYC coke shortage, a gram of regular ½ baby laxatives ½ unknown amphetamine coke should suffice: $60
· Kleenex: For those pesky bloody noses! $3.99
· Blow: Nothing gets a mouth watering and a nose running like Johnny Depp coked out of his mind and trying to pony drugs across the border. $10

The Gay Boi Hottie
· American Apparel lamé spandex: A definite must for the queer in your life. $40
· A haircut at Bumble&Bumble: Make sure your gay looks as fresh as possible when you bring him home for the holidays for the 3rd year in a row because you can’t find a suitable straight man in this godforsaken city. $80
· Poppers: They get you high for 60 seconds AND they loosen your asshole up for those risqué nights about town. I literally can’t think of anything better. Anyone know how much these fucking cost?

The “Don’t call me a hipster” Hipster Douche
· The Misshapes Book: Let him be inspired by the variety of asshole looks in this glossy, narcissistic spread. It’s like a hipster orgy on 6x10 paper, and you can even read it without those annoyingly tight skinnies and garish bowler hat on. Ah, the comforts of home. $16.50
· A case of PBR: It tastes like piss and you feel like piss after an evening of drinking it. Happy Holidays, folks! $20
· Chunky black framed glasses: To be worn ironically to mask the serious mysterious hidden behind his gray eyes. Other fans: Woody Allen, Rivers Cuomo and… oh fuck, my lesbian aunt. $5 at Claire's

-Jess

1 comment:

Steven said...

I don't really know how much poppers cost but I can tell you from personal experience that they actually only last for 30 seconds. Basically once the dick is in your ass, the effect is gone =)